Editor’s note: This article is a 2024 CBE Writing Contest honorable mention. Enjoy!
Trust Begets Trust
I remember when I first realized that my husband and I had cultivated a model of mutuality in our marriage that was not only talk but also demonstrated in our actions. A colleague shared that her husband insisted on living in an area where he was able to bike to work, but where she had a 45-minute commute and was quite possibly the only Asian resident. My colleague felt her need for cultural community and the value of her time was not supported because of her husband’s preference. As she spoke about this situation, I was reminded how many couples face transitions where sacrifices are made, but in complementarian marriages women often are the ones sacrificing. Sometimes, my husband and I prioritized his career; often, we prioritized mine. But one person’s preferences never ruled the day. I came away from the conversation with a profound sense of gratitude and respect for my own husband. Although we have not always gotten things right, a mutual approach to life has helped my husband and me build a life together that includes emotional mutuality.
I can look back and see evidence of mutuality from the very beginning of our marriage. My husband had no template for a relationship like ours and initially thought that only men (specifically, pastors) were called vocationally. However, he knew that I felt strongly from the Lord that I was to teach in college, and he wanted to make sure that it happened, even if he didn’t fully understand it. For five years, his full-time work enabled me to study full-time and work only part-time. I, in turn, cooked and watched our finances, opting to take public transit rather than purchase a car. His trust in my ability to hear from God and his love for me helped him support my needs in this season.
Careers and Kids
In-between my dissertation overview and the defense, I gave birth to our daughter and stayed home with her for two and a half years while praying for the next step. I would pass our toddler to my husband at midday so I could teach the occasional class, and he’d bring her to his office for a nap in her pack-n-play! Then, I was offered a full-time assistant professor position. I arranged my schedule to be on campus two days a week and stayed home for three. Five years later, I took a long maternity leave when our son was born. I was happy to pursue multiple aspects of my calling, including motherhood and a career.
During this period, I took the lead on all things domestic. At this point in our lives, with my husband’s encouragement, I started a multi-year study of work-life balance. From the moment my husband accepted he had married an academic, he proved to be incredibly open to trying new ways of doing things that didn’t follow the model he grew up with. After discussing this together, my husband volunteered to serve as the “lead parent,”1 a concept we had read about and thought would work well for us. In many families, the lead parent is typically the mother by default. I would still be an involved mother, minus the “second shift” domestic duties.
So, for the next five years, my husband oversaw groceries, cooking, and most transportation for the kids while transitioning to a remote work position. However, we both continued to manage work and parenting; neither one was relinquished. For example, even while my husband served as lead parent, I threw birthday parties, volunteered in their schools, and co-led with my husband in providing spiritual and emotional guidance for our family.
But life changed when my husband’s work issued a “return to office” mandate. I had continued to progress in my administrative role, which required a nine-to-five presence in the office. Previously, our household arrangement of living halfway between our respective workplaces had worked well. We lived very close to my daughter’s school, my son was in daycare on campus with me, and my husband only occasionally had to drive to work, which was the opposite direction from where I worked in the city. The office mandate disrupted our balance. We always prioritized healthy family dinners at home and quality time together, so this required that we both pitch in to cook and shop for groceries to maintain this priority. We developed a new rule: whoever got home first cooked!
A Curveball
So, our son and daughter grew up watching both parents cook and clean. Sometimes, we’d even cook together, although we both agree that it took about a decade to coexist in the kitchen! Nevertheless, we established a model that had a positive impact on our kids. I remember overhearing our son comment to a friend about his dad’s meals and how he enjoyed our family’s way of doing things. On a tip from a friend, we also tried to involve both kids in the kitchen. Each would take the lead on a meal once a week during the summer. My son took to it more readily than my daughter; he simply enjoyed it more. Neither kid felt that this preference was in any way gendered—our mutuality had paved the way for their true preferences to come through. I’m humbled and amazed at the power of modeling desirable behavior. As a social scientist, I know that children often learn more by watching important adults in their lives than through spoken words, but it was remarkable to see this in action.2 Unfortunately, our daughter never learned to cook despite our summer efforts—she was uninterested and never felt a gendered expectation to be in the kitchen. I had planned to encourage her to develop some kitchen skills for the fun of it or as a general life skill, but a life-changing event disrupted this plan.
Shortly after the COVID-19 pandemic, our teenage daughter was diagnosed with a rare childhood cancer. We needed a village to help with daily forty-five-minute drives to the local children’s hospital, while maintaining our jobs and caring for our still-young son. Thankfully, our lifestyle already utilized a meal delivery and cleaning service, both infrequent enough to be affordable but serving as a lifeline now. Our church and the kids’ school formed a meal train, and my parents and brother joined in for transportation to the hospital for radiation treatment. When my daughter began a two-year immunotherapy regimen, my husband transitioned to part-time work and took the lead on driving to the hospital and household tasks for about six months. The mutuality we had established in our relationship proved extremely providential because we now found a new rhythm of emotional mutuality.
The Fruit of Emotional Mutuality
I had read extensively about work-life balance, lead parenting, and family life in general, but I found precious little to help with emotional mutuality. Looking back, I think two things helped us. First, our practice of mutuality had always included seeking knowledge to inform our decisions. We continued this practice, and this time, both my husband and I became in-house experts; my area was the theology of suffering, and his was childhood sarcomas. We didn’t need to both know everything; we could consult with one another. This was particularly needed given that we couldn’t turn to others for information given the rareness of our daughter’s condition. Secondly, we were so accustomed to taking turns that it seemed our bodies followed this practice on autopilot! Amazingly, we never simultaneously plunged into dark emotional depths; when one spouse was doing okay, they carried the other emotionally, and vice versa. This still holds true. We can quickly recognize when the other is not doing well emotionally; the other person then takes on a little more of the household burden and practical cares to let the other person heal.
Recently, when I was let go from my job, we swapped roles again. My husband is now working full-time in a job he loves, and I am the primary cook and “food-sourcer” (as I like to call it). We’re trying to get our kids more involved again (we lapsed a little during the dual challenges of COVID and cancer). I can be more present for my daughter as she completes the two-year immunotherapy course and for my son as he begins his crucial high school years.
If we were both back to full-time, intensive work again, we’d need to switch strategies, although we’d likely keep these constants in some form. Perhaps we would enlist more help from family or outside sources. Regardless, I’m thankful for the philosophy of mutuality that we fashioned together. We threw gender expectations out the window and let the needs of each phase of life guide us. I’m thankful that my husband and I—two firstborns—could swallow our strong, independent tendencies and enlist each other (and others) for help when needed.
I keep a Gloria Steinem quote on the bulletin board that used to be in my office at work and now resides in my home office. It reads, “Women are not going to be equal outside the home until men are equal in it.”3 My husband and I have attempted to live this out across twenty-four years of marriage. Most importantly, we hold fast to Scripture’s teachings that, when properly understood, lead couples toward mutuality that includes kindness and consideration rather than obsessing over who is “in charge.”
Endnotes
[1] “Lead parent” is a term referring to the parent who takes primary responsibility for the children’s schedule, routine, and care. For example, see https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/a-new-look-at-womens-leadership/202309/embracing-lead-dads-redefining-parenthood.
[2] See https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/monkey_see_monkey_do_model_behavior_in_early_childhood.
[3] Attributed to Gloria Steinem across multiple speeches. For example, see https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/entertainment/people/epic-gloria-steinem-quotes-to-celebrate-the-mother-of-all-feminists-87786.
Related Resources
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Complementarian Theology Pits Husbands and Wives Against Each Other
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