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A Millennial’s Commitment to the Body of Christ

5 Lessons from a Youth Pastor on Racism and Sexism

Holding Husbands Accountable

“Husbands, love your wives.”^[1] This exact phrase is found in both Colossians 3:19 and Ephesians 5:25, but I have seldom heard a sermon on it. Most sermons covering those passages are aimed at wives, with “of course, husbands, love your wives” tossed in at the end as a postscript—an afterthought that merits no further exposition. But “love your wife” was certainly not something that came naturally in my first marriage. A steady diet of sermons on how husbands are supposed to “exercise authority” and “lead the household,”—statements not found in Scripture—tightly coupled with sermons on how wives are to “submit to the husband’s authority” (again, something preachers say, but the Scriptures do not) had trained my partner in that relationship to mercilessly wield segments of Scripture as a weapon. In my complementarian church, God had no rebuke for abusive husbands, only for wounded wives.

After I escaped from that marriage, I swore I would never again be any man’s wife. Then I met Johnny. Sweet, kind, hardworking, honest, gentle, and funny, Johnny had wounds of his own inflicted by complementarian theology. We promised one another that we would find a church where both of us could use our talents in God’s service. I told him: “I will never again be a wife, but I am willing to be a spouse, if we can be partners. Friends. Equals.”

He agreed.

My marriage to Johnny has been like living in daylight, where my first marriage felt like a walk through darkness. I am learning to trust again, in small and large ways. During my first marriage, I carried AAA roadside assistance coverage because if something happened to my car, it was easiest to let strangers dispatched by AAA help me. Now, I can call Johnny. I can count on him to come, to help me, and to not make me feel like I am a problem and a burden for needing his help. We found a church where we are both valued and able to work—where men are not judged on whether they are married or how well they “control” their wives, and where women are not treated as less-than simply because they are women.

This is the difference I have seen between a loving marriage and one where love has been betrayed and brutalized. Although both women and men can be guilty of betrayal and abuse, in a complementarian context where unilateral authority and submission are repeatedly, insistently taught and love is not, the parties who are given unlimited authority, with no consequences for abusing that authority, are more likely to become abusers.^[2] Especially if they rarely or never hear a lesson on the vital importance of love as mutual submission (Eph. 5:21).

Love at the Wedding

One of the places where men in complementarian churches do consistently hear sermons about loving their wives is at weddings, when 1 Corinthians 13 is read. The larger passage is actually about the proper use of spiritual gifts, not marriage, but Paul’s beautiful treatise on the power and persistence of love is appropriate for the topic of marriage, too. “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal,” Paul begins, comparing and contrasting love with the miraculous spiritual gift of speaking in tongues. Without love, the miracle is just noise. “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” Again: The miraculous spiritual gift that gives insight into all mysteries and all knowledge is meaningless without love. “If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” Love surpasses the sacrifice of possessions and even one’s own body. It is that important.

Viewed in this light, “Husbands, love your wives” (Eph. 5:25) is freighted indeed. This thing that Paul commands, this love: 1 Corinthians 13 makes clear that without it, even the miraculous is pointless. Total personal sacrifice is meaningless. This is big. “Husbands, love.”

Having stressed the essential nature of love (1 Cor. 13:1–3), Paul proceeds to the practical: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Cor. 13:4–6).

So, how is this essential characteristic lived out in the lives of married Christian women?

Love After the Wedding

Those heady wedding sermons . . . such romance! Such hope! The couple is showered with birdseed or bubbles and drives off to begin their life together.

Some of those husbands are patient and kind. Some of them do not envy or boast; some of them are not proud. Some are not self-seeking or easily angered and keep no record of wrongs. Some take the command to love their wives seriously, and do not need extensive instruction from the pulpit.

But what about the ones who aren’t?

Women whose husbands shrug off 1 Corinthians 13 in favor of a weaponized and out-of-context version of Ephesians 5:24 (“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything”) and Titus 2:4–5 (“. . . urge the younger women . . . to be subject to their husbands”) may lose the thread of Christlike love and care that is intended to be at the heart of marriage. Their marriages may come to resemble the opposite of a mutually caring, loving relationship—but such relationships often grind abused wives down to the point that they have difficulty recognizing their own circumstances.

We are all guilty of being unloving from time to time. But if this is a consistent and frequent issue, it may rise to the level of abuse. If this is the pattern of your marriage, your spouse is in sin, and it is the church’s job to call him to account and tell him to repent.

With that in mind, if you are a woman, raise your hand if your husband routinely, frequently, habitually:

Is impatient. Does he demand to know why the meal isn’t ready on time? Does he stand and watch (or go off to the garage or basement or man-cave) while you get the children ready, and then act as if it’s your fault that the family is late? Do you do all of the planning for family trips or the children’s education, with no offers of help from him—but with harsh words when it’s not done to his standard?
Is unkind or cruel. Can you clearly remember the three most recent cruel things your husband said to you, when he said them, and under what circumstances? This is not just unloving: It directly violates the command in 1 Peter 3:19 for husbands to “love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
Is jealous, even if he has no cause to be. Does he falsely accuse you with other men? Does he frown on time you spend with family or friends?
Is boastful. Are you expected to tell him what a wonderful husband he is . . . even when he isn’t? Are you expected to do it publicly? If you’re required to brag on him at church or on social media in order to keep the peace, that’s him being boastful.
Is prideful. Does the house have to be in the “right” neighborhood, the car of the “right” make? Do the clothes have to be from a specific store—regardless of the family budget? Is how everything looks far more important than how things actually are?
Dishonors you. Does he take credit for things you’ve done—like getting everyone ready for church, educating the children, or keeping the house nice? Does he run you down in front of other people? Does he compare you to other women unfavorably?
Is selfish. Does he insist on sex even when you’re menstruating, sick, exhausted, or just not interested? Does he get his “gym time” and his “sports time” while you have no downtime? Does he spend money on himself, while you budget tightly for groceries and shop at the thrift store?
Is easily angered. Do you obsess over how to phrase things so that you don’t “set him off”? Do small things lead to yelling, the silent treatment, storming out, or even physical violence?
Holds grudges. Does he remember every slight, real or perceived, from your entire relationship, and throw them up to you whenever you disagree? Is he still angry about things years later?
Fails to protect your relationship. More than that—do you need protecting from him? Is your home safe for you? Is your husband safe to live with?
Distrusts you. Are you under constant suspicion? Does he police your spending and micromanage your life? Does he not trust you to manage the household, the kids, or the grocery budget?
Destroys your hopes. Is your life the life you hoped for when you married? Does your marriage sustain, encourage, and help you grow in grace and love? Or does it just grind you down?
Makes you feel like it’s all about to fall apart. “Persevering” involves carrying one another through the hard parts—like “poorer” or “sicker” or “worse.” When a husband’s unloving behavior is the source of all the hard things, you’re no longer persevering together in love. You’re just suffering—at the hands of the person who vowed before God to love you.

These kinds of behaviors are not loving.

The Greatest Command

Remember the lawyer who asked Jesus, “What is the greatest commandment in the law?” (Matt. 22:36)

Jesus told him, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matt. 22:37–40)

According to Jesus Christ, love is the greatest commandment. Every other commandment hangs on it. If your spouse isn’t your first and closest neighbor—if love cannot begin in our homes—how are we to carry it to a love-starved world?

If your husband is failing to love you, he is breaking what Jesus declared to be the Greatest Commandment. This is not a matter to be papered over with broken promises or dismissed with airy suggestions of unconditional forgiveness.

This is extremely serious.

Withdrawing All Fellowship

Make no mistake: A husband who is failing to love you in the ways described above, or in similar ways, is sinning, and he absolutely must repent and change. If he refuses, or if he is so unsafe to approach that you cannot even discuss these things, then he is persisting in an extremely serious sin. He has broken his marriage vow and rejected the gospel, which is love.^[3]

If this is your situation, it may be time for you to consider leaving—and also asking for help from the church. In the New Testament, churches are told to withdraw fellowship from someone who persists in sin (Matt. 18:15–20; 2 Thess. 3:6, 14). A healthy church will call an erring husband to account and tell him to repent—and will assist you in getting herself and your children to safety.

Sadly, not all churches are safe. If bringing these matters to your church or its associates has accomplished nothing but to make you feel like you are somehow “equally guilty,” or if it is heavily implied that you cannot expect a man who is behaving sinfully to change or that saving the marriage at all costs is what really matters, even if the cost is you, then your church is also not safe, and you cannot trust them to care for your soul or your husband’s.

Life After Leaving

There is such a thing as a “clean break,” but it is by no means the rule. My first marriage ended in aching slow motion, as I clawed my way back from the dungeon into which I had been driven and began to assert myself again. There was a day when I set a boundary and refused to budge. Four years later, he signed the divorce papers. Three years after that, I met Johnny.

Johnny and I had known each other for less than a month when I told him, during a phone conversation, that I was having an outpatient medical procedure done the following week, at a specialist clinic ninety minutes from my home. He lived ninety minutes in the opposite direction. He offered to drive ninety minutes, pick me up, drive another ninety minutes to the clinic, wait for two hours, and then drive another three hours to drop me off on his way home.

I had been accustomed to a partner so unreliable that I paid for AAA roadside coverage instead of relying on him, but here at last was a man who didn’t need a sermon on 1 Corinthians 13 in order to know how love should work.

If you are afraid for your safety and you need help, you can find it through the following resources:

U.S. readers: Domestic Violence Hotline, at their website, by phone at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or by texting START to 88788.
Canadian readers: A comprehensive list of resources by province/territory is available here.
UK readers: See the website of the Domestic Abuse Helpline or call them at 0808 2000 247.
Australian readers: See the website of White Ribbon or call 1800RESPECT.
Readers in other countries can begin their search for similar resources through the HotPeach Pages’ international database.

For advice on finding a qualified and egalitarian therapist, you can also read this blog post and see CBE’s Find a Counselor page.

If you’re a church that wants to prevent abuse and help victims in your congregation, check out our extensive list of resources for churches from CBE Bookstore.

[1] All Scripture references in this article are from the NIV translation.

[2] See Kevin Giles, The Headship of Men and the Abuse of Women, for an extensive study on the relationship between patriarchal theology and domestic violence.

[3] See Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? for more insight into identifying abusive dynamics in a relationship and advice on how to respond.