Editor’s note: This is a CBE 2023 Writing Contest Winner!
When I married at age 23, it was an act of faith in the goodness of God and my husband. Having been raised by an embittered single mother who deeply distrusted men, I looked to the church to teach me a more positive view of marriage. Likewise, my husband had been raised by parents in a troubled marriage, and he hoped that our relationship would be Christ-centered. Thus, despite our trepidation, we embraced our church’s teaching about my husband’s headship role and my role in submission to him, since—as my husband pointed out—if he was being Christ-like then there was no reason to fear. And hadn’t I expressly looked for and married a trustworthy, loving Christian man? First Peter 3:5–6 became my mantra: “Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (NASB). If God rescued Sarah from the consequences of Abraham’s bad decisions, I just had to trust that God would do the same for me. If I was afraid to trust my husband, then I needed more faith.
The Quest for a Godly Marriage
At first, we seemed to be succeeding in our quest for a godly marriage. Our lives were centered around church activities and community outreach: we hosted international students, we led Bible studies, and we planned to go to the mission field. I was homeschooling our daughter, and our plans were progressing until our special needs son was born. Due to his very challenging behaviors, we began to flounder. Our mission plans were put on hold indefinitely. I could no longer homeschool my daughter, and eventually enrolled her in public school, much to the chagrin of our homeschooling peers. We gave up the house near campus in which we hosted international students and moved to the suburbs, where our son could receive services through the public school system. He was eventually diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorder.
Our carefully constructed Christian life began to fall apart. His behavior was so challenging that our church asked us to not bring him anymore. Devastated, we stopped attending, and many of our church friends dropped us. My husband felt humiliated that he could no longer act in leadership positions in the church because he did not “have his children under control” (1 Tim. 3:4–5); he withdrew from our family and focused on his work, where he could feel competent.
I had a background in research and psychology that enabled me to process the vast amount of information we needed to understand our son’s needs, including the behavioral modification techniques that would help him learn to regulate his behavior. However, my husband struggled to believe that behavioral modification techniques were necessary, tending instead to see our child’s behavioral issues as challenges to his authority. He was often harsh with our son, and I often confronted my husband angrily about his harshness. He felt that I was undermining his authority, and I felt that I was being a disobedient wife, but neither of us seemed to be able to break out of that deadlock.
I developed depression and panic disorder. I felt abandoned by my husband, by our church, and by God. What did submission to my husband look like when he seemed completely unable to grapple with our family’s needs? Moreover, I was puzzled and frustrated: aside from his struggles with our son, he was a loving husband and a gentle, attentive father to our daughter. While he tried hard to be what our son needed, his insecurities about being competent and worthy of respect were aggravated by his belief that he was a spiritual failure for not “controlling” his son.
Partnering Together in Faith
As we began to read other perspectives about our roles in marriage, we discovered that our narrow interpretation of our roles was misinformed by a flawed reading of Scripture. Rather than my husband being the “head”—that is, the sole, final authority in our family—I am made to be an equal partner with my husband. Mutual submission is God’s ideal (Eph. 5:21). As my husband gained confidence that he was not abdicating his spiritual responsibility, he became more open to behavioral modification techniques and other recommendations by our son’s therapists. I also gained confidence that my background was an asset and not a liability in our relationship. Together, our goal was not to control our son, but instead to nurture him.
We began to realize how complementarian theology pits the interests of wives and husbands against each other. If the wife’s role is to always defer to her husband’s superior authority, it undermines her confidence in her own abilities and competence, fostering fear and resentment. If the husband is the sole, final authority in a family—and if he must be always in “control” of that family—then any problem in the family is ultimately his failure. Fear of failure fosters insecurity and authoritarianism in husbands.
Mutuality Is God’s Ideal
Mutual submission and mutual trust are God’s ideal (Eph. 5:21), although achieving that ideal requires humility, forgiveness, and a lot of work. While it took us many years in therapy to work through our various fears and resentments, we are now in a much better partnership. My husband continues to rely on my understanding of clinical literature in dealing with our son, but now that he has embraced that perspective, he is often better than me at consistently implementing the principles. I have more confidence in my own understanding, but also in his ability to be a little more objective than I am. And now that our son is grown, my husband’s perspective as a man is invaluable in helping me understand his concerns. I wonder how much sooner we could have achieved that partnership if we had been correctly taught God’s ideal for marriage all along.
Photo by Yuri A on Shutterstock
Related Resources
The Consequences of Soft Complementarianism
Seven Needed Revisions within Complementarianism
If Complementarianism Isn’t Working for Some, It Isn’t Working for All