Editor’s Note: This is part two of a two-part article. Read part one here.
Download a combined PDF version of parts one and two.
Staying and Remaining Healthy
Some women weigh their options and decide to remain where they are. Sometimes women make this decision for the reasons listed above. Other times, there are very few (if any) other options for churches in their community. When making the decision to remain in a complementarian congregation while holding an egalitarian conviction, it is important to find support and encouragement where you can. While certainly not an exhaustive list, there are at least four ways to remain healthy while choosing to stay.
First, find community support outside your church system. When tensions arise in the congregation, it’s vital to have other places to turn for support. Some women who have chosen to remain in their churches have found support in online groups. Others have found support in Bible study groups in egalitarian churches. Support can take many forms, but support outside of the system is essential.
Second, experiment on the margins. Perhaps the system won’t allow women to lead existing Sunday School classes or preach from the pulpit, but there may be opportunities on the fringes of the church’s ministry where these things are possible. A prayer group could be started in which both women and men are empowered to lead in prayer, or a book study might be a place for reading books from a variety of perspectives. Depending on the context, experimenting on the margins may come with risks, but it may also be an opportunity for growth and change.
Third, find allies within the system, both male and female. These allies can provide support and encouragement to women who have decided to remain in their current context. Allies—especially male allies within the system—may have opportunities to speak up for change and be heard. Even when change is not possible, allies can provide support during times of difficulty.
Finally, keep honing your prophetic edge through study and reflection. Choosing to remain in a congregation that does not share your convictions can be a struggle. What might help you keep your passion and fire stoked? Continue studying Scripture and reading books that dig deeper into the empowerment of women in Scripture. If writing is helpful to you, keep a journal or write articles. Connect with others who are lifelong students of the Bible and encourage one another to keep going.
Sometimes the best choice is to remain where you are, and the above suggestions can help you remain healthy in doing so. Support outside the system can lift you up and encourage you when you need it most. Experimenting on the margins gives you an opportunity to explore your spiritual gifts and try new things. Allies can provide encouragement, and some allies may be in a better position to push for change in your context. Finally, keep finding ways to fill your cup and keep your passion going.
Leaving and Remaining Healthy
Sometimes, the best decision for women is to leave their current context and move into a faith community that more fully embraces and champions their calling and gifting. How might they do that in a healthy way? There are at least four factors to consider.
First, it is likely that women who leave an unhelpful environment will be served by safe spaces to recover. Particularly if there is pain associated with the decision to depart, women might benefit from a season of rest and recovery. Professional counseling could be something to consider, as would focused time with caring friends. Further, sometimes wounded women would benefit from a temporary break from the institutional church in order to have space to process and heal. Not being an active part of a faith community for some length of time might be difficult, but also necessary.
Second, women who leave should be judicious about maintaining connections with their former community or not. Sometimes, continuing relationships with individuals or groups within the former context will be useful. Other times, a complete severance is more appropriate. Navigating decisions about what continued relationships should look like will require discernment.
Third, there are a host of questions to consider in the process of actually leaving a church:
- Is it wise to publicly announce the departure in some way, or to quietly leave? This decision might well depend on the level of pain someone is experiencing.
- If not publicly, are there certain individuals (potentially including the church pastor) who a person should tell? Again, this can be a tricky calculation, one that trusted friends could help a person navigate.
- How much explanation should a person give about why they are leaving? This would likewise be situation-dependent, but we have seen people work to carefully craft a short rationale and then use that in any conversations they opt to have.
Finally, women should consider choosing a community that really and truly endorses their callings and giftings. A person can understand the ethos of a community in this area by observation and experience, but asking pointed questions is another way to go about that. At one point, an egalitarian colleague was looking to join a church in the community she had just moved to. Her practice was to begin by pursuing a meeting with a pastor to ask direct questions about the church’s theology and practice around women in leadership. For instance, she would ask the following questions:
- What has the congregation’s (and/or the pastor’s) theological journey been like on the topic of women in leadership? What are some of the key markers or influences in that journey?
- Where is the congregation currently in terms of their theology of women in leadership? Is there a statement or document that captures the church’s position?
- What do women experience day-in, day-out as they exercise leadership in the life of the church?
- What are the systems that the church uses to develop people into leadership? How would a newcomer who aspires to use their leadership gifts get involved?
It is possible to leave a community in a healthy way, but it also requires intentional effort. The four factors articulated above should help women leave well.
A Word for Men
Years ago, when my (Rob’s) family moved to a new city, we landed in a church in large part because there was a woman on the pastoral staff team. She had a vibrant ministry, one that blessed not only my family but the whole church community.
Eventually, she announced that she was going to be moving out of state. When I heard the news, I met up with the male senior pastor to plead with him to bring on a woman as her replacement. I made my case and he listened well, but, in the end, he decided to go in a different direction, and another man joined the church’s staff team. The evolving lack of openness to women in leadership ended up being one of the reasons why my family left that church community.
What do you do if you are a man who aspires to bring change but can’t see it happening? In many ways, the calculus for men can be similar to the factors for women mentioned above. That said, we do want to offer two other considerations for men who find themselves in this situation.
First, before leaving, consider whether you have pushed hard enough for change. Thinking back to the conversation with my pastor where I encouraged him to choose a woman for the pastoral role, I wonder if I could have pushed a bit harder. Perhaps I could have asked to speak with other leaders, or even with the church session. Before you leave, ask yourself whether you’ve lobbied hard enough for positive change.
Second, we want to encourage men to defer to the women around them on this topic. In other words, if the women in your life are talking about leaving due to the prohibitions they are coming up against, listen well and embrace their sense of next steps. As men we may not experience the same negative Impact as the women In our lives, so please do follow the lead of the women around you. When it comes to the decision to stay or go based on women’s shared and equal leadership we think their experiences are what should matter first and foremost.
Alongside the considerations for women outlined above, we want to raise these two issues for men who are involved in the decision to stay in a complementarian context or leave to find a place more open to their egalitarian convictions. Ultimately, this is yet another place where women and men can provide mutual support for one another.
Conclusion
Valerie visited a few other congregations in her area, some of which energized and encouraged her, but she decided now was not the right time for her to leave her current congregation. Even though she felt frustrated by the way she was limited in using her gifts in her church, she had a harder time with the thought of leaving the relationships she had developed over the course of so many years.
Valerie knew of one other person in her church who was more accepting of women in church leadership, so Valerie took a risk and asked her if she might like to read a book with her about biblical women who were called to lead and use their gifts. The other person was excited to read the book with her, and Valerie found herself encouraged to know she was not alone.
Mindy struggled to stay in her congregation, especially as her new pastor was less tolerant of women in leadership than her previous pastor had been. She tried to surround herself with allies. She confided in her husband when she experienced hurtful situations, and he began to experience more of these interactions himself. After much discernment, prayer, and many late-night conversations, Mindy and her husband made the difficult decision to look for a new church. They were afraid to uproot themselves, and they were concerned about the toll their decision would take on their relationship with their extended family, but they reached a point where the risk was worth it.
Mindy and her husband struggled to find a new church home. For a few months, they did not go to church at all. But eventually, they found a church that better fit with their convictions about women in leadership. They were encouraged by the way both women and men were called on to use their gifts, and they were excited for their children to grow up in a congregation that did not limit leadership to men. Although Mindy never saw herself as a leader before, her experience in her new church awakened a desire within her to try new things. Her pastor invited her to lead a Bible study after church with him, and Mindy jumped at the opportunity to model shared leadership by serving in this way.
While not every person makes the decision to leave their church to find a place that is a better fit, for Mindy the decision brought new joy and vitality into her relationship with the church and in her connection to God. The decision to stay or go is highly personal, and it comes with costs and struggles, but there is hope, both for those who stay and for those who go.
Photo by Craig Adderley on Pexels.
Related Resources
To Leave or to Stay: How Women Can Change the Church
It’s Time to Follow Beth Moore Out of the SBC
When Religion Hurts: How Complementarian Churches Harm Women