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Published Date: June 5, 2012

Published Date: June 5, 2012

Featured Articles

Featured Articles

When Marriage Isn’t Mutual

Norma and Charlie

It was love at first sight. Norma and Charlie’s eyes, in all actuality, met “across a crowded room” at their conservative denomination’s annual meeting. Life for the Browns began, as for most entering into marriage, with delight and optimism.

The Browns’ church held strongly to the view that “women should be silent” (1 Cor. 14:34), and that all leadership in the church should be male. The congregation was taught that God was male, as Jesus called him “Father” (John 10:30). And, for the first years of their marriage, Norma obediently adhered to the teachings of her church and to the lifestyle she had experienced in her patriarchal childhood home. She submitted to Charlie as he made all of the family decisions and controlled the finances, and she embraced her role as a stay-at-home mother. 

But then Norma’s neighbor invited her to attend a women’s Bible study, providing her with new friends whom she began to trust. For the first time in her life, Norma learned that the Bible demonstrates that God has feminine characteristics, likening God 
to a woman in labor (Isa. 42:14); a nursing mother (Isa. 49:15–16); a mother hen (Luke 14:34); and a mother who comforts her small child (Ps. 131:2). Norma and Charlie were taught that man, and not woman, was created in the image of God, implying that women were “less than,” and that their husbands’ “desires” must be obeyed. But now Norma was learning that women are also made in God’s image. She read that Jesus respected women, affirming their dignity at a time in history when women were considered property and virtually had no voice. It amazed her that Jesus gave a woman authority to speak his words to the disciples (John 20:17). 

These fresh perspectives gave Norma a whole new view of God, and she began to love her Savior in a deeply personal way. She felt profound relief and rejuvenation and longed to share these feelings with Charlie. But how would he respond? How would Norma live out her new convictions about mutuality in marriage if her spouse disagrees?

Paul and Mary

“Bridal school” was the path Mary’s parents intended her to walk when they sent her to a one-year Bible school after high school to meet a young man with similar denominational roots. Instead, she met Paul, an egalitarian, and despite her family’s objections, Mary stood up to her parents and married him.

Paul loves his wife and is attracted not only to her beauty, but also to her tender character. When they study Scripture together, he marvels at her insight and wisdom. Yet, he learns that the “gentle spirit” he first saw in Mary, who was raised as a complementarian, was actually her attempt to be the passive wife she believes is taught in the Bible and has seen modeled by her mother. Paul views her as an equal in their relationship, but Mary feels conflicted by his affirmation, having never witnessed this picture of partnership in her parental home. 

Paul sees potential in Mary that she cannot see in herself, and he longs for her to live boldly and share in the decision-making for their family. How might he respond to his wife’s long-held and deeply rooted passivity? As an egalitarian man, how can he encourage her to use her gifts when she believes God intends very different roles for men and women?

Principles for Moving Forward When Your Spouse is Not Egalitarian


If you are in a marriage where your spouse has a problem with anger, controlling behavior, and/or abuse, seek help. The safety of you and your children must be the primary concern. This may include seeking housing in a local shelter; legal counsel in order to keep custody of, and obtain support for, the children; professional Christian counseling, and perhaps even the end of the marriage. This will be a difficult journey. Yet, God desires peace and safety for all his children.

Healthy Communication

Every marriage is different, as every individual brings with them into this new relationship a suitcase full of unique issues: past abuses, whether experienced personally or witnessed as happening to others; genetic tendencies; addictions; feelings of abandonment; or religious biases that have colored how their personality has developed, to name a few. But regardless of a couple’s unique struggles, the root of all good marriages is healthy and open communication. All people should have the freedom to gently and respectfully communicate their beliefs to their spouses, whether or not they agree. 

If you struggle in your marriage to communicate openly and with respect for one another, consider meeting with mutual friends, a pastor, or a counselor. 

The Importance of a Support Network

Find a community of like-minded Christians to pray for you and provide godly advice as you navigate conflict in your marriage. Those married to a non-egalitarian may find it helpful to invite other couples to study Scripture in a group together, to foster a safe and friendly environment for you and your spouse to discuss and ask questions about gender.


Find practical and non-threatening ways to empower your spouse. Be creative and willing to sacrifice. Regularly communicate the gifts and potential you see in your spouse, and support them in their goals and dreams.