Content warning: Porn, by nature, can be difficult to discuss. Please be aware that this issue of Mutuality discusses porn use and its effects at length.
What words come to mind when you think of porn? Sex. Lust. Objectification. Abuse. How about when you think of porn and the church? Simplistic. Hesitant. Damaging. Shameful. Silent.
The Christian church has not talked about porn well, even as the number of Christians who regularly use porn increases. Many of us, whether past or current porn users or close to a porn user, have been hurt and confused. The message the church has embraced is one of secret shame rather than of humility, listening, and redemption.
As I was reading Proverbs 18, I was struck by how applicable it feels to the church’s approach to porn.
To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? (13–14)
Sermons and discussions are undergirded by contempt, shame, and gossip. We have not sought to listen. We have crushed spirits.
What stands out to me is how much we have centered men when we talk about porn. The church has told us that when men watch porn, it is themselves they hurt most. They say men’s personal righteousness and sanctification and closeness with God are the most important casualties in their use of porn. The reason men should stop watching porn is, above all else, so they can be “right” with God.
We’ve said plenty about how men’s porn use affects their ability to love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. We haven’t talked enough about how it affects their ability to love their neighbor as themselves.
When we take a step back, it seems the way the church talks about porn stems from harmful patriarchal attitudes toward sex: lust is every man’s battle, women exist to please men, men can’t control their sex drives, and shame is the only effective tool to inspire sexual purity. What if, instead, we centered (or even included) women in our dialogue about porn? Women are, I would argue, the ones who suffer most because of porn.
It’s the wife whose husband objectifies and abuses her because porn taught him everything he knows about male-female relationships. It’s the woman churchgoer who has never been allowed to fully use her gifts at church because the male elders and pastors are terrified of being alone with a woman. It’s the woman who has learned to objectify herself and who feels irredeemably broken because she looks at porn when she’s alone. It’s the woman who was sold into sex trafficking because men want to take their porn-fueled fantasies off-screen.
These are the women we hope to help with this issue of Mutuality. We’re taking a break from begging men to stop using porn to discuss the effects of porn on women’s lives, women’s equality, and men’s ability to be good partners to women. Perhaps if more of us understood the full effects of porn use, we would talk about it openly and frankly. Let’s make sure the warning label on porn is very clear: porn hurts everyone—not just the viewer’s personal righteousness.
Even so, we’re hopeful. As each author presents the heartbreaking effects of porn, they all also present some practical ways we can move forward. Mallory Ellington starts by sharing how she hopes the church can begin to understand that women, too, struggle with sexual sin and deserve the same support as men. Erin F. Moniz discusses one reason many people turn to porn: broken patterns of intimacy. William B. Bowes and Alejandra Fontecha-Bowes tackle the increasingly common question of whether porn can be ethical for Christians. Heather Matthews intertwines her experience as a pastor once married to a porn user with the latest research on how male pastors’ porn use affects women. Kyle Norman reminds us that it isn’t just porn that Christians should avoid, but all sexual immorality. Finally, Mimi Haddad helps us connect the dots between porn use and abuse.
With this issue of Mutuality, we are officially calling on all Christians, and especially those who have joined us in the fight for women’s biblical equality, to speak plainly about the sin that plagues us. We seek to listen and lament as we process the effects of porn use on women and men in church. Returning to Proverbs 18, we acknowledge that shame is not the answer—instead we embrace nuance and seek to listen before answering so that we may help and heal those who have been hurt by porn use.
May these articles help us recognize the image of God in all of us. Together, we can leave behind the pornification of our churches and relationships to embrace the person-centered love that Jesus Christ embodied.
This article is from “The Problem of Porn,” the Autumn 2022 issue of Mutuality magazine. Read the full issue here.
