by Nicholas Colby Watson Wolfe
Living on a mostly complementarian Christian university campus, I have found that men’s behavior toward women is often a double-edged sword. If they do not follow societal customs of how men should treat women in our patriarchal society, they risk appearing rude. But if they follow the ideology of chivalry and treat women as though they must be taken care of, they risk undermining a woman’s independence and capabilities. I believe that this is a result of confusion that arises out of an unholy union between popular culture and perceived Biblical messages.
Many men who believe in the egalitarian ideology of treating women as equals find it difficult to actually put this into practice for many reasons. Chivalry is romanticized in television and literature. Many women have come to expect complementarian behavior from men regardless of their theology on the issue. Men may feel as though they are not fulfilling their role as a man if they do not follow customary rituals such as the classic precedent of holding open doors for women. Men often fear appearing rude or unrefined if they do not follow such customs. This type of behavior is heightened in Christian communities such as churches or Christian college campuses. But the reality is that practices such as this are outdated and unnecessary in our modern society. Even if they do not accept it, women are strong and empowered by Christ. Chivalry is an archaic convention that undermines the strength and position of women as fellow humans, equal in the eyes of God.
I do not wish to imply that men should let the door swing closed in the face of women. Behavior such as opening a door is a very kind gesture if employed for proper reasons. Just as the Bible calls all people to serve one another (Eph. 5:21), men should be politely opening doors for women. But moreover, men should be opening doors for other men as well. If a woman respectfully opens the door for a man, the man may see it as emasculating or demeaning, and if a fellow man opens a door for a man to pass through, the act is often seen as strange or even belittling. This can give men an idea of how their actions may profoundly affect women.
There is no need to treat women discourteously in an attempt to respect their independence. Trying to find a balance between respecting a woman’s capabilities and offering a kind gesture is difficult for many men. The particularly important aspect that should guide our actions is our motives. Are men treating capable women in a special way because our patriarchal society sees them as weaker and in need of help? Or are we treating them well because they are our family members in Christ and deserve to be treated as such?
Sadly, both men and women have been indoctrinated by a patriarchal society of “men being men,” i.e. taking charge, and helping their “weaker” counterpart. This goes beyond theology and Christianity, and comes from our society as well. Some men and women view egalitarianism as a cop-out used by men to avoid responsibility. Women have been taught to admire chivalrous men, and men have been trained to help their feeble sisters along. While the view of treating woman in a special manner may seem like a proper practice on the surface, underneath it shows a belief that is held by both men and women, and perpetuated by both pop culture and many Christian teachings, that women are weaker and that men should treat them as intrinsically inferior humans.
As members of both the church and society, we have a responsibility to change our actions in the secular world as well as in the Christian community. The church must recognize unbiblical influence from culture and avoid allowing it to warp their biblical interpretations and theological positions. The church must identify the Bible’s message of equality and stand by it even when it means opposing common practices in society. Interpreting the Bible correctly has the power to change the church, and the church has the power to change the world. We can work to tear down the unholy union of Church and society that propels damaging gender stereotypes and rebuild a synthesis that works to advance equality. My advice as an egalitarian living on a complementarian campus is to let your motives guide your decisions to love all people equally. Treat other men just as well as you would treat women, and vice versa. Replace the paradigm of fairytale chivalry with a well-intentioned love and respect for all humans and a desire to treat fellow persons in a Christ-like method.
