I was sitting in church on Easter morning, and everyone around me was celebrating. Logically, I knew I had reasons to celebrate—I believed that Jesus was risen. But in my heart, I was still weeping by the tomb with Mary Magdalene, asking, “Why? How long? Why is there still so much pain?”
A few weeks earlier, I had been deeply wounded by a church I had poured myself out for, and the pain was still raw. I wasn’t ready to run with Mary Magdalene to the other disciples and announce the good news. I still had so many questions. And then I wondered . . . did she have questions too?
Scripture says very little about Mary Magdalene’s encounter with Jesus on Easter morning,1 which makes me ask—how long did she stay with him? Was she in a hurry to rush off and spread the good news of Jesus’s resurrection, or did she, like me, have some questions first: “What on earth just happened, Jesus? What was that? Why?”
Is it possible that she, too, needed some time to grieve on Easter morning before she was ready to celebrate? Did she need to sit beside that tomb for a while, weeping and wondering over the pain of the past few days?
Two days before, she had watched while her dear friend was humiliated, tortured, and brutally killed. The twelve disciples deserted Jesus as soon as he was arrested (Matt. 26:56), but Mary Magdalene had stayed to the bitter end. She had watched Jesus’s crucifixion and his burial (Matt. 27:55–57). She had seen and heard things that one can never unsee or unhear. Mary Magdalene’s Good Friday experience included trauma that likely impacted her for the rest of her life.
Then there was Saturday, a full day of grief. No answers. Just questions, and sorrow, and more questions, with no one to answer them. That was Mary Magdalene’s “yesterday” when she showed up at the tomb carrying her questions and her jar of balm.
She had brought the balm for Jesus’s dead body, and I wonder—did she end up using it on his living body? His wounds were still visible (John 20:27). Did they still hurt? Was Jesus, in his humanity, glad for a friend to witness his pain,, and did Mary get to be that friend?
Trauma changes the human body and brain, and Jesus’s human body had experienced intense trauma just three days before. Was that erased in his resurrected body, or did he continue to identify with human suffering in that way? Did he talk to Mary Magdalene about what he had experienced? One of the pathways to healing from trauma is to share the experience with a “compassionate witness.”2 Did Mary have the privilege of being that compassionate witness for Jesus as he processed what his body had endured? Did Jesus take the time to compassionately witness Mary’s own trauma? How long did they sit by that empty tomb together? I wonder.
As we enter the next few days, observing Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday, we are invited to join Mary Magdalene and the cloud of witnesses throughout church history who have sat with the pain and bewilderment of grief and unanswered questions. These days invite us to acknowledge that the pain is still real, that there are still many things that don’t make sense, and many things that should not be so. Before the holy joy of Easter comes the equally holy sorrow of these three days preceding Easter.
Eventually, Mary did run to the other disciples with good news. Gladness came for her, as it has for me now, and as it will for you, too. Jesus has been raised from the dead, and he is coming back to wipe every tear from our eyes and do away with death, sorrow, crying and pain forever.3 But today, if you find that your heart is still sitting by the tomb full of questions, this one is for you. For the mothers who have lost children and still not seen justice. For those who have experienced abuse in your home or your church—places that are supposed to be safe—and still suffer from that pain. For those whose beautiful gifts to the world have been cast aside because of your gender or the color of your skin. For all of you weeping over the death, sickness, pain and sorrow that have not yet been done away with. Yes, Jesus is alive, and joy is coming. But Jesus is also holding you beside the tomb of your sorrow, sharing your pain now. He will compassionately witness your grief for as long as it takes.
- Matthew 28:9–10, Mark 16:9, John 20:11–18.
- Deborah van Deusen Hunsinger, Bearing the Unbearable: Trauma, Gospel, and Pastoral Care. (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans, 2015) Kindle Location 92.
- Revelation 21:4.
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