Practicing Partnership In Marriage: One Couple's Perspective
 

Interview with Brian Nystrom

What was your process of becoming an egalitarian?

     I grew up in a non-Christian home and both parents worked out of necessity. My parents were tired and stressed and we three boys did the chores (dishes, dusting, vacuuming, etc.) Work was work – there was no sex role differentiation. 

     My Christian conversion occurred in my young adult years and my views had not been influenced by hierarchical Christian thinking yet. In the beginning of our marriage we had an egalitarian marriage and even both hyphenated our last names as a symbol of our equality. 

    Mary Ann and I wanted to do what was right in God’s eyes. As the years passed, hierarchical teaching confused us and we became conflicted. We actually came to the conclusion that we were doing it wrong in our prior egalitarian way, so we tried to do it the hierarchical way. I was now the leader and Mary Ann was to be the follower. This style did not work well for us. I felt the power was unnatural and that any problem was ultimately my fault as the “head.” Mary Ann was frustrated by having to hold back her thoughts and opinions.  We both came to the conclusion that God’s design for marriage should bring peace, not disharmony and discontent. 

     We began to read material by Joy Elasky Fleming, Alvera Mickelsen and Cathie Kroeger which helped crystallize our thinking and confirm what we intuitively knew to be true – that egalitarianism is God’s design for marriage. 

How did this understanding affect your marriage? 

     Egalitarianism affects our marriage at every level.  Genesis 1:26-27 is the core of my egalitarianism – “Let us make human beings in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the …”  When I look at Mary Ann I see the image of God, and how would I want to treat the image of God? Certainly with the greatest respect, kindness, sensitivity and love possible! We are to “rule over” what is ours. Therefore, to have a partnership that “rules” together means that we must communicate continually on many topics that impact our marriage and family. This means that we make joint decisions. If we can’t agree on something, we hold on it. That is the “decision” for the moment. 

     I think these two items are paramount in a partnership marriage. In my upcoming book, Ordinary People, Extraordinary Marriages, I go much more in depth with this.  

How did you go about transferring the theological ideas into practical matters?

     The theological to practical has been relatively easy for me except for the “blocks” that I’ve mentioned before. You have to believe the equal partnership as defined before the fall is God’s original design for marriage. This belief becomes the “why” to drive your daily behaviors with your partner. 

How have others responded to your egalitarian marriage?

     Ignorance fuels judgment, and those who didn’t “know” us didn’t understand it. Our friends and colleagues are supportive and many are egalitarian as well. I introduce the egalitarian model to couples I work with in marriage counseling. Most come in with the labels and symbols of hierarchy (husband is the head, wife to submit, etc.), but they are miserable and conflicted in their marriage style. When I introduce partnership marriage to them and explain how it works, they embrace it. Even evangelical pastors who preach hierarchy have been open to adopting egalitarianism into their marriage. 

How have churches or other Christians helped or not helped in this area? 

     Of course, CBE is the instrument in promoting egalitarianism! Promise Keepers could have been a powerful vehicle, had they adopted and promulgated egalitarianism. Hierarchy continues to be preached, taught and emphasized in books and radio programs. Our work is cut out for us!

Why do you think egalitarian marriage is so important? 

     Egalitarian marriage is God’s original design! Very simply put, the first relationship recorded is a male-female relationship. Jesus shows a clear endorsement by performing his first miracle at a wedding. Marriage is the most basic unit of society and God knew it would work best with an egalitarian approach. 

     The biggest benefit of egalitarianism for us as a couple is that it has increased our intimacy and passion for each other and given us stability in the marriage and family. 

How have you tried to pass on an understanding of mutuality to your children? 

     Mary Ann and I talk frequently to our four children (ages 19, 16, 13 and 10) about partnership and how to apply this in the marriage. We model it to them by showing them that we come to conclusions together. We talk about their future marriages and the importance of partnership and how it will work for them someday. We attempt to practice what we preach and will know later if this will be a positive reference point for them in their own future marriages. I have told each of the children that power is shared in the marriage in every aspect and that it is sinful to hold power over your partner.   God’s design is for husband and wife to “rule together.”

From Roles to Romance

By Mary Ann Nystrom 

     When I became a Christian, I was in the fifth year of a very tumultuous relationship with a man who was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Spiritually I was in bondage to this horribly unhealthy relationship. One of the first things God did for me as a “new creation in Christ” was to liberate me from the bondage I had been unable to free myself from. I truly saw Christ as the one who could “bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners” (Isaiah 61:1). 

     My newfound faith in Christ was met with my heartfelt desire to truly know God as intimately as possible, to walk hand-in-hand with him, and to allow him to live in me and manifest himself through me, whatever that might mean. As I studied the Bible to learn more about the character of this awesome God, I couldn’t help but notice how he ministered to hurting women like myself, how liberating that was for them, and how much he showed respect for women and men alike. As a baby Christian, I clearly grasped the concept that we “are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). 

     The next amazing gift God gave me was the friendship of a tender, caring, gentle Christian man who was also a new Christian and would one day become my husband. Brian and I grew together in our relationships with God, and together we examined issues of abuse, adultery and divorce to see how God spoke to these very real concerns. We started our relationship out with mutual love and respect. It seemed natural, right and very biblical. Our marriage was a partnership. Our hearts beat together for God. 

     Many issues of the day were black and white to us (and still are). Abortion is the wrongful taking of innocent life. Homosexuality is not God’s plan for his people. We wanted to worship God in churches that held to these truths, so we typically found ourselves in conservative, evangelical Christian denominations. We were also hearing much teaching in these churches that “the man is the head of his household” and that “the wife must submit to her husband.” The teaching always included a concise description of what that looks like in a godly marriage. With innocence and hearts that just wanted to please God, Brian and I decided we had not been in God’s will and that we must live according to the hierarchical model of marriage we were being taught. We even went to conferences and read books so we could get really good at our newly-defined roles. 

     We attempted to put this into practice for about two years – the worst two years of our marriage. I grieved over the loss of oneness I had experienced in our previous partnership. I had no idea who I was anymore, and I couldn’t understand why God would want me to live my life through Brian. That strong sense of who I was in Christ slowly disappeared. 

     Brian was going through his own crisis during this time. Feeling alone and isolated, he was also missing our partnership and did not enjoy being solely responsible for all the major decisions for our family. We were fighting more than ever, and we were both miserable. Believing that our marriage would get better if we could both be more in God’s will, we each perfected our defined roles. A deep resentment was taking root and growing between us. We were no longer best friends. We really didn’t even like each other very much anymore. Spiritually, I was dying. 

     Eventually we came across some literature from CBE and read it together. Secretly we both liked the concept, but we were afraid it was not biblical. We decided to reexamine these issues together – very cautiously and theologically. We were now attending a new church, and we found some excellent material concerning all of our questions in the church library. As we spent time studying the Bible, reading books and listening to tapes about women’s roles in the church and marriage, etc., we were slowly beginning to feel freed up again in our relationship. We so much wanted to be in God’s will and to stay true to his ways that we really took our time with this process. 

     Finally, we both agreed that egalitarianism was really what we both embraced.  We believe it is totally biblical and it works the best in our marriage. We are both free to be who we are in Christ and we both enjoy being equal partners together. Our marriage is the best it’s ever been. 

     I still do not know very many Christian women who enjoy a partnership marriage. Most of my Christian friends are still in hierarchical relationships because they sincerely believe it is biblical and right. They are also quite unhappy in their marriages. I feel sorry for them because of what they are missing out on, yet I completely understand their position. Brian and I are very committed to modeling, and when appropriate, talking about our partnership marriage. Brian also uses it as the working model for marriage in his counseling practice. 

     We have one daughter and three sons. Because of the abuse in my past, Brian and I have always taught our children that men must always treat women with tenderness and respect. Our children have always seen Brian treat me with great respect and they know that he regards me as his equal. This is an issue that we have gone out of our way to focus on with them. Of course, they will each have their own journeys with their own spouses. 

     Brian and I have a great marriage.  It is not perfect – we have our little disagreements, but we always work them out together. We co-own our businesses together and although Brian is there much more than I am, he consults me on all major decisions because he so highly values my ideas and opinions. I have chosen to be home with our children and to educate them at home. I basically run our household, but I consult Brian on all major decisions because I really want to know what he thinks. We come to all major decisions together.  It is easy, it is natural, and most of all, it is God’s original design for marriage.