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MODESTY: A WORD FOR
BOYS AND GIRLS
Marissa Cwik
“For the sake of
your brothers…”
Imagine a
medium-sized room filled with high school boys and girls. You
sit with your friends laughing and joking, discussing the week
while the band sets up their equipment. Welcome to high school
youth group. Tonight’s message: modesty. The boys are escorted
off to another room for this conversation—modesty is an issue
for women. This captive audience of young women listens as their
youth pastor outlines why and how a girl should be modest.
The message begins
with the speaker telling you that as a young lady you should
dress modestly for the sake of your “brothers in Christ”—your
guy friends in youth group. Dressing modestly includes not
wearing tight-fitting clothing, short skirts or shorts, or
anything too revealing. Practically, this means a one-piece
swimsuit policy for all youth group events and that women are
not allowed to wear tank tops on mission trips, even though the
guys go shirtless. A young woman should dress modestly so she
does not inadvertently cause her fellow Christians to stumble.
The youth pastor then goes on to explain why women have to dress
modestly—because guys struggle with sexual thoughts, and women
need to do all they can to help men fight off this sin.
I was a young high
school student when I first heard this, and I remember being
confused. Among those in the youth group, the message then
sparked a conversation full of judgment and condemnation. One
older girl had been approached by a college-aged guy in our
church and rebuked about her clothes. She was greatly offended
by this and asked her parents, who were leaders in the church,
for their perspective on her clothing. They saw nothing wrong
with it. My youth pastor said that even if her parents saw
nothing sinful about her clothing, it was commendable that this
gentleman spoke with her about how she was causing him to sin!
He told her she needed to be aware of how she was causing her
brother to stumble and that she should change her behavior. This
happened to more than one of my female friends. What developed
was a judgmental attitude among the young women and men about
our clothing. Modesty was the rubric used to measure one’s
spirituality. At the same time, we were also told that we should
be feminine and gentle—the tension of trying to be attractive
but not sexual.
Modesty in youth group terms relates only to clothing. Female
clothing.
This approach to
modesty and the body can be destructive to young women for
several reasons:
1. It tends to place the origin of sin in the female body.
In this way of
thinking, the sin is not where an individual’s mind goes or the
action they choose to take; the sin is the woman’s body. Even if
that is not explicitly stated, this concept is conveyed through
the continual placing of responsibility on women to “protect”
fellow Christians from seeing too much of their bodies—lust
happens because women’s bodies are sexual and men cannot easily
overcome the temptation. In the end, it comes down to the
physical characteristics of the female body and no amount of
clothing is ever enough. The women cause the men to stumble. Her
body contributes to male lust.
2. This understanding of modesty encourages a sense of shame
about the female body.
It is the origin of
sexual sin; I have to cover my body so that my friends will not
lust after me—if my body did not look the way it does, my
friends would not struggle as much with lusting. As a young
woman, I became ashamed of my body. The way modesty was
discussed in our youth group, it seemed that no matter what I
tried to do to cover my body it was never enough—I was causing
others to sin completely against my will and I felt that my body
was the cause of sin in fellow Christians.
Modesty can be
defined too narrowly to only include the way women dress, rather
than encompassing how Christians, both men and women, live. When
we define modesty so narrowly it places undue burden and
responsibility on women that can lead to shame for being female.
3. The way modesty is taught disempowers women.
In this definition
of modesty, the women become responsible for the men’s sin.
There is little conversation about how dressing immodestly or
marketing one’s body affects the psyche of young women. Rather,
the conversation is focused on the effect on the young men and
their spiritual standing before God. The standard for “modesty”
is always up to the men in the community to decide. How women
view their own bodies or a woman’s own standards of modesty
become a secondary concern.
Imagine what that
does to a 16-year-old girl trying to pick out just the right
outfit before she takes on a public responsibility at church, so
that she becomes overly concerned about her body and the impact
that has on men in the Church. Or to the young harpist who is
approached after the service by a man in the congregation who
rebukes her and tells her the clothing she wore is too tight?
For a moment, try to feel the burden in a young girl’s mind as
she realizes that she has caused men to sin—by thinking about
her body sexually. The message: You are a sexual object.
I cannot help but think about sex when I look at you, which is a
sin. Therefore you need to cover yourself up, to protect me.
Unfortunately, as a
young woman in the Church and now as a young adult in the
Church, I can testify that almost all conversation about modesty
is still centered on female clothing. Much talk is in the air
about how the American media objectifies women. The American
church also objectifies women and makes their bodies sexual
objects. The difference is that the church places a sense of
shame on women for this, while the media glorifies women for it.
Neither position is a healthy way to view a woman’s body.
It seems to me that
the American church tends to view men as merely sexual animals.
Locating lust in a man’s biology and then suggesting that male
lust cannot be controlled tends to make women solely responsible
for holiness. (One can recall the words of Adam, when God asked
him, “What have you done?” His reply: “It was the woman you gave
me.”) Yes, dealing with sexual attraction in a healthy way is a
difficult battle for men and women to face. In no way am I
encouraging women to ignore the struggles of others or downplay
this seriousness. However, if young women are dressing
immodestly, the issue should be discussed not just because they
are causing others to stumble but because they are more than
sexual objects. We should encourage young women to dress in a
way that reflects their own worth and dignity and encourages
respect from the rest of the Church. Young women’s bodies are
developing and changing drastically. They need to be empowered
to deal with their bodies and sexuality in a healthy way. No
other sin is based on who a person is—their physical
characteristics or biology. If I have anger towards another
Christian because they chose to drink alcohol, I can ask them to
refrain from use in my presence. However, I am addressing an
action they chose to take. The conversation about modesty in
churches tends to focus on the biology of men and women—aspects
that cannot be changed, only controlled. The conversation starts
with biology and then transitions to “because of these aspects,
therefore you should police your clothing.” Placing the blame on
innate aspects of our identity contributes to the shame,
helplessness, and distorted images of the body in the American
church.
Is modesty an
important issue to discuss? Yes. But the conversation may need
some redirection. Young women need to be encouraged to be modest
not because their bodies are carriers of sin. Rather, young
women should be modest out of self-respect. They should be
encouraged to grow in dignity and portray themselves as
individuals worthy of esteem. They should be directed to view
their worth beyond their physical appeal. Let’s help women to
locate their true source of power—in their relationship with
Christ, and in the gifts God has given them to change the world!
Modesty is a word
for girls and boys. I can imagine a youth group meeting
about modesty that is mixed-gendered. Both young men and women
should hear that women are more than sexual objects, and that
men are more than sexual predators.
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