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TOLERATING AND
STAYING
How a theology of female submission contributes to the
prevalence of women tolerating and staying in violent situations
By Gerald W. Ford
Focus with me on the world where I work most
of my days. It is the world of the Licensed Professional
Counselor in Sugar Land, Texas. I am also licensed as a Marriage
and Family Therapist. I counsel at the Houston Center for
Christian Counseling, a group of 30 Counselors committed to
providing the best in both theology and mental health care.
In 18 years of counseling and 37 years in the
pastorate, I have discovered that people tell their counselor
much more than they tell their pastor. While I won’t share the
confidential information of specific clients, I want to share
some insights about what my clients have taught me, about how
they have learned to see their world. Many of the statements, by
my clients who report abuse in their relationships, demonstrate
how the traditional theology of female submission contributes to
the prevalence of women tolerating and staying in violent
situations.
Suffering for Christ
A willingness to
suffer for Christ has been a part of the committed Christian
character from the beginning. Being unashamed of the Gospel
[1],
knowing that we are blessed when we are persecuted for
righteousness’ sake
[2], and understanding
that we are likely to receive the same treatment from this world
that Jesus received
[3], become part of our
belief system and lifestyle. We are called to run the race with
patience [4].
Finding the ways to live these principles in the real and
everyday world is certainly a proper pursuit for the believer. I
frequently hear women, and a few men, who say that they are
suffering in their marriage but they see it as suffering for
Christ. They stay because they can view their suffering as
something they are doing for the greater cause; it’s what
Christians do, they say. Yet suffering is not the core of
Christianity, it is only an experience which will sometimes
accompany the true core of Christianity, which is the
Christ-like life. To be like Jesus may include suffering, but it
also includes much more.
We must ask the question of whether Jesus
suffered always, or if he had some boundaries of his own for
when, for what cause, and how much he would suffer. A review of
the Gospels will reveal many situations in which Jesus did not
suffer silently, did not allow abusive behavior to go
unchallenged, and gave his followers instruction to move away
from rejection [5].
A misguided theory of suffering, when coupled with a misguided
view of submission, may lead to the view that suffering violence
is just part of a Christian woman’s life.
I see women who are as afraid to talk about
what they “want” as some men are afraid to talk about what they
“feel.” They tell me that they were always taught that women
were the nurturers, serving others, and that they were in a
marriage to attend to what others, especially their husbands,
wanted. To speak of their wants, they believe, makes them sound
selfish. This leads to worse results, because leaving “wants”
unexpressed means that these wants will come out in some form of
resentment, manipulation, or an expectation of mind-reading.
I think also of those women who take on a
suffering/submissive role like they would take on a holy cause.
They see themselves as martyrs in a cause. Tolerating more abuse
and staying in an abusive relationship are seen as badges of
courage. It may even be seen as the crucible where courage is
made. If they were to leave, they might be labeled as a quitter,
or a failure. They seem to blind their eyes to the truth that it
is the abuser who is failing.
The High Priest and Spiritual Leader of
the Family
Some of my clients tell me that their
churches teach them to treat the husband as the “high priest of
the family.” The phrase appears often when abuse is reported.
Suggesting that men are the high priest of the family separates
a woman from the birthright that is hers as an individual
follower of Christ. The idea that all
believers are priests before God is a
scriptural concept meant to include every
believer, male or female
[6]. In a theological
discussion of the priesthood of every believer, we
believe that
every soul
has a
God-given competency
to relate to God as an
individual. Yet an abused woman may not be hearing this message.
She is often led to believe that her husband’s view of the will
of God for the family is somehow “more informed” than her own.
She “tolerates and stays” because she has been led to believe
that her husband must be right, more holy, or more important.
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She “tolerates
and stays” because she has been led to believe that
her husband must be right, more holy, or more
important. |
The abused woman may be told that having her
husband as her high priest is for her own good, that she gets
the benefit of his protection. She is promised that she will be
treated like royalty. In exchange for making their husbands
“special,” some of my clients have been promised by their church
that their husbands will put them on a pedestal. This may sound
good at first hearing, but in real life it becomes oppressive.
People on pedestals cannot be active, cannot
move, and worst of all, the pedestal where the woman is placed
is a pedestal in the dark. The pedestal keeps her in a dependent
relationship. In similar fashion, a man who is on a pedestal in
the daylight is simply a better target. The pedestal fails the
test of realism, and it makes neither male nor female effective
in solving the problems of everyday life. Despite the
sometimes-made claim that denying the woman full voice in the
marriage is counter-cultural and spiritual, the idea of the
“pedestal wife” is simply a religious substitute for the secular
idea of the “trophy wife” who has no purpose in her own right.
I also hear women and men speaking of the
husband being the “spiritual leader of the home.” I also observe
that when I ask what a “spiritual leader” does, very few people
have any answers. As discussed in so many of the books and
papers associated with CBE, there is no Scripture that speaks of
anyone, husband or wife, as being the spiritual leader of the
home. Scripture speaks often of Christians being spiritual
people, Christ-like people, people who share the calling of God
to love each other and to love and nurture their children. But
to separate these partners into separate domains makes an
artificial organization, rather than a healthy relationship
between the two spiritual adults of the home.
“Just Love Them”
Some women report that people in their church
admonish them to win their husbands to the Christian Life by
“just loving them,” using I Peter 3:1-2 as a text. This passage
speaks of winning them “without a word… as they observe your
chaste and respectful behavior.” While the author’s meaning is
true, the passage is often used incorrectly to suggest that a
woman should put up with abuse and “just love them into the
kingdom.” This was not the intention of Peter. If an unbeliever
will not listen to our witness, Peter states that we should
demonstrate our testimony by the way we live. This is the
approach that should be taken by both Christian men and
Christian women, in our efforts to communicate Christ to the
world. It is not a sufficient approach for dealing with abuse.
Beside this, if we are speaking of the marriage relationship, a
good interpretation of the text would include a look at I Peter
3:7, where Peter tells men to honor their wife as a “fellow heir
of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Stereotypes and Assumptions
The church has often followed secular
stereotypes and assumptions. Perhaps these errors have been a
part of society for such a long time that some in the church
have mistaken them for Scripture, where there are no such ideas.
Psychiatrist Frank Pittman writes of the
struggle that a young boy has with the image of the kind but
subservient mother
[7]. He describes the boy
who likes his mother’s kindness and gentle, nurturing spirit.
However, if he sees his mother abused by the father’s misuse of
power, he may reach a dreadful conclusion—that kind and gentle
people get abused by people with power. So, faced with a choice
of being kind (and abused) or powerful, he chooses to be
powerful, as defined by the ability to abuse a woman some day.
Subtly, he is taught to be an abuser. In counseling I can tell
the young man that kind and gentle people can also be strong and
have power to solve problems without the need for power to
abuse, but he may not believe what he has not seen at home.
Sadly, it is often the church that has taught the false
dichotomy between kindness and power, by teaching that women are
built to nurture and men are built to be powerful, and that no
one can really be both. Yet, Scripture speaks of both men and
women as both strong and nurturing
[8].
I hear women say things like, “I remember
being strong before I got married.” Soon after saying this, she
may say that she has heard, at church, so much about the “roles”
that wives are supposed to have. Soon they may say that they
have stopped thinking for themselves, stopped doing many things
for which they believed they were gifted, and have become stuck
in roles they have not freely chosen. This is an especially
unhealthy idea to me as I do not find the Bible talking about
“roles,” but rather talking about discipleship. As a disciple I
am encouraged to love and to serve, but my gifts and calling are
not determined by my gender.
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The church often
defends these gender
stereotypes and assumptions as though they
were defending Scripture. |
The church often defends
these gender stereotypes and assumptions as though they
were defending Scripture. There are many occasions when a couple
comes to counseling and hears of better ways to communicate, to
problem solve, and to mutually build an effective relationship.
But soon, the wife will tell me that her husband got home from
counseling and spent hours lecturing her about the “proper order
of things” and reading Scripture to her. Some tell me of a
pastor who pulled them aside and warned them against counseling
with anyone who did not follow their church’s views on male
headship. Others tell of women at their church who are
threatened by any other woman who steps outside of the
traditional expectations. (Sounds like Martha and Mary
[9].) I have heard
women say they were asked not to come to the women’s group any
longer if they were going to bring up egalitarian issues or
address problems of abuse.
How Can We Respond?
So what can the believer do in their church
to address the problems of abuse and male hierarchy? Those of us
who long to be a part of the solution can
provide help in a number of ways:
-
Come to grips
with the fact that theology affects lives. Therefore,
ongoing study of theology and gender issues (such as found
in the works by CBE) will create a good foundation for
healthy theology.
-
Graciously
but firmly identify yourself as an egalitarian. I hear many
people who have good marriages saying that they believe the
egalitarian message, but that they don’t want to be seen as
controversial. While there may be legitimate reasons for
keeping egalitarian convictions private, we must understand
that the expression of those convictions not only stand for
truth but may offer the abused woman a lifeline to leave an
unhealthy and dangerous situation. Actively promoting
egalitarian views may also help men and women avoid the
traps of abuse before they ever enter them.
-
Make good
literature available—donate egalitarian books to the church
library and lead Bible studies about these issues.
-
Refuse to
join in with the jokes and jargon of many church group
communications which suggest all men or all women are alike
and enable gender stereotypes. I’m not talking about being
argumentative, but I am talking about not playing the games
that perpetuate the problems. One morning years ago, our
pastor asked all the heads of households to stand, so both
my wife and I stood. This quickly made a point for all to
see.
-
If you are in
a loving and egalitarian marriage, let the happiness show.
Tell people that it is working.
-
Encourage
your church to make referrals to egalitarian counselors who
will be familiar with the issues of
male headship theology.
Further, encourage your pastor to speak out against abuse,
making it clear that the Bible does not condone abuse.
-
Join with
others in supporting those who make the difficult choices to
leave the abusive relationship. Do not allow the person who
leaves abuse to be spoken of as “just another case of
divorce.” Some relationships deserve to end.
-
Teach
children in the church from an egalitarian perspective.
-
Encourage and
help women to take part in church leadership, committees,
etc, not because the committee needs a woman’s perspective,
but because the committee needs the skills and character of
the particular woman.
-
Encourage the
use of gender inclusive and gender respectful language in
church publications, and use it in your own everyday speech.
-
Build good
relationships with others who are egalitarian, or who are
curious about the idea and make a habit of encouraging one
another.
-
Persevere.
Change is a long process, requiring consistency and
patience.
Notes:
1. Romans 1:16
[back to top]
2. Matthew 5:10
[back to top]
3. John 7:7
[back to top]
4. Hebrews 12:1
[back to top]
5. Matthew 10:12-23
[back to top]
6. I Peter 2:9-10
[back to top]
7. Pittman,
Frank S. Man Enough: fathers, sons, and the search for
masculinity. New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 1993.
[back to top]
8. I Thessalonians
2:1-8; II Timothy 1:7 [back to top]
9. Luke 10: 38-42
[back to top]
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Gerald
